Dancing in Daisies

A personal confession from a frustrated soul

2007-05-09T07:37:00.000-07:00

Like any other self-respecting Salvo, I went to Roots this year. I was meant to be on the team I was on last year but for various reasons I ended up not having to work and having a lot of time on my hands. I haven't been in the happiest place recently and was really not in the mood to go to any sessions and listen to what people had to say about reaching Others. I just want to hear what God had to say about me. I did that by doing very little indeed, reading Tom Holt and chilling until the Sunday evening. Sunday evening a woman I have quite a bit of time for was speaking so I decided to go for a listen. She talked about the centurion and repeated again and again the phrase "I have not seen faith like this in the church of God". Every time she said it, it was like a kick to the stomach. Why have we not seen faith like that in the church of God? What would happen if we did? God was begining to wake me up again.

I have been comfronted again again by my own lack of faith in God and in His people (the Church). Why is it that we have so many problems? Why is it that we are so happy to cut each other down behing each other backs and tear each other apart instead of build each other up?

For the past few years I have seen people called by God to do things, do join things, to move things. I have seen people being sure that God wants them somewhere, but then be scared away by the daunting scale of their calling. I've been one of those people. Sandra spoke on Sunday about simple obedience to God. This is something that any Christian is called to do, but it seems to me that since we call ourselves and Army, we should be leading the way in this. What kind of army gets orders and then goes "actually, that is a bit to dangerous, I think that I am going to stay home."?!

I have been hurt time and time again by seeing people who had God's annointing leave our church for one that is more comfortable, more cushy, because of the hurt that they have been through. I look at the Bible, though, and see people time and again go through the same thing. Moses, Jonah, the Israelites in general, Elijah; all of them heard what God was calling them too and said "um, no thanks." and then when they did do it, were often left hurt afterwards. BUT - they still did what God called them to do, even when it was scary, unappealing. What would happen if we did that today? What would happen if we stuck with the churches we are in instead of looking for churches that are popular? What would happen if we did what God called us to do, even if it makes us get dirty, even if it hurts, even if it means sacrificing ourselves?

We are a dying breed, friends, and we need to smarten up and begin taking ourselves and our faith seriously.

A reading warning, A ramble, and A poorly written declaration of love

2007-01-31T11:45:00.000-08:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, if you had a bad day and are not in the mood for some raving on how wonderful the world is, turn away now because today (or best said the day after uni) was a beatiful day. Today was yet again one of those days that makes me want to dance, sing, sigh, shed a wee tear and in general shout out because things are beautiful.
It all started with a text that made me aware of what a beatiful day we were having. Someone said that today was the first day that we had that lets us believe that summer is coming again. I couldn't agree more. The sky was a vivid blue with wonderfully candy-floss imitating clouds and the sun was actually warm on my black jeans. That is when the falling in love with today began. It continued when Jess and I left uni at the end of the day and sauntered arm in arm down the Anchor on South Bank. We sat outside (!!!) in January and my love afair with today deepened. After I dropped Jess off at London Bridge Station, I returned to my favourite Starbucks and ordered my favourite White Chocolate Mocha and sat and read for an hour. They were playing great jazz which made me almost buzz with happinest by the time I left there. I'm not a drug taking girl, but I don't believe that the buzz good jazz gives me can be far off a high from drugs. I carried on the good music trip with my ever-handy and obliging mp3 player and decided to saunter along South Bank home. When I say saunter, I mean I walked as slowly as I possibly could, drinking in the beautiful lights that always remind me of fairy homes, the Globe where I imagined living at the time of Shakespeare and going to see a play, freshly penned, and the white house right next door where I imagined living someday.
I didn't want to come home. I was drinking the fresh air (trying to ignore the masses of exhaust that I was inhaling as well) and loving being by myself outside. I need to do that more. Goodness me, London can be beautiful sometimes. I think that that is all I have to say for today.
Anyways, it is too bad none of you were with me today. We could have danced.

a new post, a sleeping problem and a list

2007-01-07T09:46:00.000-08:00

Last night I couldn't sleep. Usually when I can't sleep, I make up conversations, scenarios, or yes, even write sermons in my head, and then usually I do fall asleep. Last night, whilst stuggling to keep my eyes open, I wrote out a blog (in my head of course), about the fact that I couldn't sleep and all the frustrations that that brings with it. It was entertaining, witty and well written. That evening I had had a conversation about blogging and it was the first thing that came to mind when I asked myself the nightly question "What are you going to put yourself to sleep with tonight, Sarah?" This seemed like as good a solution as any.
It wasn't. I ended up laying awake until 5, not because the thoughts I had in my head were so overwhelmingly and fascinatingly interesting, but because I was cold, and then too hot, and then too cold again but was too busy thinking to notice that this was what was keeping me awake.
That having been said, if I hadn't stayed up later than reason should allow, I would not be lying here, on my couch, writing and dozing like an old granny. Instead, here is a list of what I would/could and maybe should be doing instead:
1. Going to Laos (youth church thing)
2. Cleaning my room (the builders are coming tomorrow to fix something)
3. Getting myself a drink (my tongue is so dry i could sand a table with it)
4. Take a bath (this I may still do)
5. Attempt to detangle my windchime-shell thing
6. Unpack. This I really need to do, along with some laundry

Those are six very good, interesting or productive things that I could be doing. Instead, I am lying on my chesterfield and the sleep that refused to come last night is fighting with my almost comatose body to make me give in. I must be the perfect sleep temperature. If only this had been last night...

A big country, A big people, A big portion

2006-08-16T18:13:00.000-07:00

So, it has been over a month since I have written something here and I suspect that my reader-audience (or the few that I had) have given up on me. Oh well, I am here again. I am here in Canada now, visiting family and spending my grandmother's money... good times.
You know the saying that everything is bigger in America? I think the same goes for Canada. I was going to take a picture of a toilet seat today. "Why?" you may well ask. "Surely a toilet seat is a toilet seat is a toliet seat, especially in WalMart." But that is where I would tell you that you are wrong. This toilet seat was HUGE! I swear that I was almost sitting in the water, I could barely fit. On the plus side, this seat made me feel quite slim, on the downside... why do they need such big toilets?! Well, a breakfast experience in Michigan can help enlighten I am sure...
My Aunt wanted to give my mom and I a special start to our ladies day out. The special start was called Tony's. I ordered french toast, my aunt ordered us all bacon to share. There was ONE POUND of bacon!!!!! There were 6 of us and we could barely finish it. The amount of food that people were eating... again I wish I took a picture... my conversation with my mom consisted solely of "oh my days!!!! Look what she is eating." Or my mom saying to me "Sarah! Look! He's got that pound of bacon all to himself!" I felt a bit sick when we left.
Fat people seem to rule the roost here. I have walked over half as much as I walk back home, I swear I have already gained weight and I have actually begun craving vegetables.
However, I am enjoying the comparably cheap prices, and most of the stuff that I have bought so far has been for work: craft supplies, decorations for the youth club that we are starting up in October (for a party that will be around the Halloween time). It's all been really fun so far. We'll see how much longer that lasts.
Well, that's all from the Land of Big. I will blog again soon.

WE WON!!!!!!

2006-06-30T13:39:00.000-07:00

This post warrants a break from the normal 3 divide in my blogs because....
GERMANY WON!!!!!!!!
Against all odds we held up against Argentina. We seemed to be matched perfectly to each other... play by play matched. Until the shoot out, where we just excelled with such grace and confidence. I love it. I am too embarrased to say what my reaction was but it was pretty patriotic and a bit pathetic :)
Bring on the semi-final!!!!

A list (two), A few regrets (7), and A moving on

2006-06-29T15:35:00.001-07:00

aAnother one within a few minutes... feel free to overload (is that the right word? it's really late and I'm kind of distracted by the last song of the Spice Girls...)
Something that I wanted to write in here is a list of things that I have always wanted to become that I now know that I will never be (probably) and need to let go of, so here goes:
I wanted to but never will be:
1. Two or three stone lighter and a ballet dancer
2. Four or five stone heavier and an opera singer
3. Nurse
4. Mother Teresa
5. Giraffe photographer
6. Villager on komodo island
7. 21 year old mother
8. Archealogist
9. Egyptologist
10. Farmer's wife
11. Owner of cows
12. Au Pair
13. Teacher (in a school)
14. Brilliant author
15. The female Billy Graham
16. Jesus's best follower (really best, like perfect)
17. Interior Designer
18. Architect
19. Historian
20. Journalist for National Geographic
21. Ambassador
22. Artist/Poet
23. Completely selfless
24. Disciplined
25. Bar tender
26. General
27. Princess

Things I wish I did and would do if I could go back:
1. Sing in the talent show. I was going to sing the opening song of the Lion King but my partner ditched me for someone better the day before. I hid in the back and watched everyone audition, heard them call my name and just didnt go.
2. Tell the kids who bullied me how much their words did hurt. "Words can never hurt me" Whoever coined that phrase was talking a load of crap.
3. Keep in contact with people who mean a lot to me.
4. Help mom out at home more without complaining.
5. Do my homework like Miss Eels told me too.
6. Just say no to getting drunk.
7. Think more before saying yes.

I think that living in the past can keep you from moving forward. I needed to let these dreams and regrets go. Now I can go to sleep and dream about what is to come.

A weakness, A strange situation and A waste of 2 days

2006-06-29T14:58:00.000-07:00

At club today I was swiftly conned into getting some chicken and chips by one of the people there eating it in front of me. This culinary delicacy in Britain is basically fat with the side of chicken and frys. The epitome of English cooking. I wasn't even very hungry, but I could not resist the temptation. The spirit is willing but the flesh is so very weak... "Is Gordon's waist bigger than mine, Sarah?" a certain Nick asked, just before I left to get myself the afore-mentioned heart attack. It took a minute to answer for the following reasons:
1. I wanted to make sure that I hadn't misheard him as I had already ran into problems with my hearing a few times that night
2. I was confounded that this was a man asking this question
3. I didn't want to be drawn into one of their twisted mind-games that they are often playing.
So, when I thought this through and came to the conclusion that there could be no danger, I answered that I thought Gordon was the slightly wider of the two. Nick looked smug and proceded to ask others who were standing around the same question. I began to wonder where exactly this was leading.
This is the reason as far as I understoond it:
Nick had lent Gordon some shorts in which to play football/soccer and Nick seemed to believe that his shorts wouldn't fit Gordon and suggested that he may need a belt to hold the shorts up, at which Gordon took slight offence... basically Nick wanted to prove that his worrying was justified, which it was, as Gordon does look a bit bigger, but Gordon won in the end as the shorts fitted. After all this, I was left wondering what the point was as the fit him in the end but men are men and always want to win... At least I had a hearty laugh out of it and Gordon was able to tell us about his wonderful display of football genius...

Two more things of note:

1. Jesus came to release us from oppression and changed world order, High Anglican liturgy worship sucks and we should challenge it. Dialogue with God is important. That is a summary of what it took a man two days to tell my class. I feel cheated of two days. No chance I can get them back, eh?

2. The Spice Girls are very underrated.

A poster, a Problem (or two) and a Solution (or not)

2006-06-22T13:08:00.000-07:00

I am sitting in my community placement, a lovely little youth club in Poplar, London and it is plastered in facts in figures that politically-minded Roz has posted everywhere to help kids see the outside world. They are covered in shocking figures such as up to 3.5 million people around the world have aids, smoking kills, 70 people die in road accidents per week, traffic is the biggest killer of 12-16 year olds etc etc. Do these figures leave you a bit cold? Me too. I feel hardened to the problems in the world like this because I'm so busy worrying about myself.
These are my problems:
- I am about 30£ in the minus
- I am really, REALLY tired
- I have new people moving in in a few weeks
- I am flying to Canada in August and I don't know if I can pack suitably
- I miss home
- Work isn't always amazing
- I'm single and oddly alright with it
Big problems, eh? Maybe I should make a poster with them listed to explain the kids here that I suffer too. How selfish am I?
Right now I'm shaking my head at myself. I can solve all these problems within the next week. I get paid on monday and then will be a glorious 10£ in the plus, I will get some sleep next week, I will see the people moving in as a brilliant new step in life, I will call my grandmother to ask what I need to bring, I will call my mommy and have a chat and work will always be not 100% brilliant.
I can't solve the aids problem though, or the road problem, but what I can do is try and remember and care. Bless Roz for the posters.

A Walk, a Concert and a Tree

2006-06-13T04:21:00.000-07:00

I live in London. It is the third capital city that I have lived in so far and hopefully not the last. Funny how each one feels different. I was walking to Oxford Street yesterday to meet a friend to go shopping. The heat was almost too much to bear (I'm one of those people who complain when it is too cold and then when it gets hot, I complain it's too hot. Not good) but it was a great walk anyways. It took me past hordes of tourists, all taking pictures of Big Ben, or the Millenium Wheel or Westminster... and then I came to pass Downing Street. There were all these police men standing around and all these tourists peering through the gate, and a car full of people who looked like they were in the CIA (they all had things stuck in their ears that were black, just like in the movies). How crazy was that? I chuckled to myself and then it really hit me. All these thousands of people spend absurd amounts of money to come here and see that, and I get to see it on a normal walk to go shopping, 15 minutes from my house. It rocks.
Other than that, things have begun to change here. My flat mates have moved out so I have the rest of the month of June to myself. For some reason I always feel more productive when I'm by myself. However, I have made a mental list for the people who are moving in in July on what to and what not to do. I have realised im a bit of a control freak.
I went to a concert last night. Angels and Airwaves... free. There were hundreds of emo 13 year olds and then my friends, who are still a bit younger than me, and then me. I felt really, really old. I felt even older still when, when the music started, the crowed surged forward, squishing me between some little boy in the front, and some little boy from behind. I could feel my ribs begin to crack by the second song so I decided to move to the back, frustrated by the sweat pouring from my face and obscuring my vision and stinging. It was better in the back to my suprise, there were entertaining boys who kept dancing and then kissing each other, and I could breathe and see the lovely band. It was a good night and a lovely surprise.
They have fixed the trees outside, the gates had come off and one kept getting hit by cars. That makes me happy. That's all for now, I'm going to sit and try not to move in this ridiculous heat.

A mobile phone, a conversation and an old woman

2006-05-08T00:35:00.000-07:00

Is it just me or does it seem like world of technology is just getting more and more annoying. Everything seems to be made to be loud and intrusive and inescapable.
Take the bus for example. Not the bus as a modern bit of technology, but riding on the bus. You are sitting there with your book (or not), just enjoying the 5 minutes of relative peace that you can generally find on a bus and then some person gets on. They take out their mobile (cell or handy depending on where you are from), take a look around at the people as if to say "enjoy these last few seconds of peace, they are about to disappear" and then they somehow manage to get the mobile to play the loudest, most annoying, most obnoxious music ever. Usually 50 cent. It annoys everybody, but nobody says a thing cause it is a young person who could (but probably wouldn't) knife them. Does the kid not know though, that nobody on the bus wants to listen to his music? Does he not realise that not everybody on the bus had been longing, just in that moment to hear music either about (and it inevitably is about) sex or violence? He isn't fulfilling the hankering of passengers, he is just making everyone entertain violent thoughts about him. Maybe, for his own safety in the future he should play songs more like Norah Jones and not about have a cap busted you-know-where.
Now, my other little rant on technology is msn. I used to be the biggest msn'er around. I loved spending hours on it talking to friends instead of getting homework done or going to bed. Now, I love using it to chat to my young people, that is, of course, when I can understand what they are typing. Recently, little animations have begun to pop up instead of words when I am chatting to them. Now, it is hard enough to understand them because a. they don't type words out properly but type them phoenetically and b. they also type ghetto most of them. So now, just throw in those really really annoying little pictures and what would have been a 10 minute conversation turns into a 20 minute mission to decipher what is trying to be said. Now, to add anger to frustration, I have just seen an advert which sparked this whole thing off. Smileys that talk. It just seems to me as if the world is becoming increasingly afraid of quiet. Generally I'm chatting to someone cause I'm sitting at home enjoying quiet, and now that isn't even going to be possible.
I sound like a whingy old woman but I think that deep down inside, I am.

Another list, another cold and another late night.

2006-05-04T16:04:00.000-07:00

It is late (yet again) and I really wanted to go to bed early tonight. I am in a much better mood than I was earlier today and have a few reasons for that which I will now list below. The list is basically what makes me happy (another one) from today. So here goes...
1. Beautiful weather. Anyone who lives in London and was outside will know what I am talking about.
2. Birthday parties outside in the little park at lunch break. Happy Birthday Dave!
3. Getting bad news and then finding out that it isn't nearly as bad as you thought it is.
4. Having great friends.
5. Food. Good food.
6 (and this one is important) Finding music online that you have wanted to listen to in ages but just couldn't find.
7. Having an inspiring lecture
8. Trees that blossom in spring (how beautiful are they?! and they also make the pavement pretty when they shed... :) )
9. Having a brilliant cell with brilliant young people
10. Having God. Wohoo!

So anyways, those are 10 things that made me happy today. Feel free to add things to the list in the comment area. I would love to know what make you happy. Other than that, I think that my sunburn may be going away a bit, I have a cold, and now I am going to bed (after I finish listening to some songs for the upteenth time that I found on the internet today. God bless the internet)

A holiday, A work weekend and Learning points

2006-05-03T03:20:00.000-07:00

Alright, so it has been a while since I last wrote. ...
I don't know if anything worth writing about has happened but I will write about it anyways.
I went to Berlin. Ah right, I just remembered I wrote about what a nightmare flying over was... but here are some things I noticed while sitting at the airport for hours...
1. Clouds aren't white. They are blue and white and pink. So pretty.
2. People like to panic. Everywhere at the airport were loads of people stressing about things that they really didn't need to.
3. It is relaxing to miss a plane. I got to spend loads of time just lying about, thinking, reading and just being by myself. Lovely... Now if only that hadn't cost me 40 pounds.
4. I would never want to work at an airport. That place makes everyone feel busy.
5. Airport staff can be mean.
I had such an amazing time in Berlin once I got there. I was finally going out with friends again and doing things. Here are 5 things that I learned in Berlin...
1. I have lovely friends there.
2. Berlin is such a great city when it comes to going out
3. I like to complain sometimes (which is horrible cause I hate people who complain)
4. I'm not as strong as I thought I was. (emotionally etc)
5. I LOVE doner from Epis up the road. So much. I ate 5 in 1 week. Yum.
Actually, loads more happened. I had a great time at the Arche just hanging with the young people there and I had a wonderful time being back the the Jugendkirche Marzahn. I love Berlin.
Then when I came back after 8 days in sunny Berlin, I had to repack immediately and then go straight the next day to Southport to Roots. It was wonderful and here are 5 things that I learned from there:
1. I'm not keen on sleeping in a tent when it is cold, but I now know the perfect technique. Air mattress, blanket, sleeping bag. Cover yourself in the blanket from the top, tuck it in like a cocoon, then go into your sleeping bag, preferably sleep on back. It is great.
2. I love longboarding. Really love longboarding. Really really love longboarding.
3. I am quite strong. I can lift things. Well done me. (physically etc)
4. I love praying with young people and listening to them. What a privilege .
5. I need to stop judging books by their covers (or bands by their names)
Of course I learned more than that but I need to digest the weekend first.
Oh and here is one last bit of advice...
If it is sunny outside, put sunscreen on. No matter how cold it is.
4.

A history, A flight and a battle

2006-04-19T01:46:00.000-07:00

I am a frequent flyer. I have flown more than most people I know and I really enjoy flying. The first time I flew I was a baby, then next time I can remember was when I was 12 and moving to Germany. I got sick once we landed. Since then, my flying experiences have been increasingly more enjoyable (which isn't very hard) I like flying. Airports, checking in... I like knowing that I am an old, experienced flyer... I like watching other people who obviously don't know what they are doing.
However, there is one airport that is kind of like my airport-nemesis. London Stansted. Our first few meetings with each other went smoothly. First meeting: 2000. Then 2 more before things went drastically pear-shaped.
2005: It was late at night, about 11 o'clock. I was tired but excited about getting off the plane. I was to be picked up by my new boss and driven to my new home in London. Happily, I walked along with the other passengers to passport control, not suspecting that Stansted already had it's eye one me and was not going to make my arrival easy. "Where are you going?" I was asked by one of those ridiculously suspicious passport checkers who I am sure they pick out according to their bad moods. I answered all of her questions, not suspecting the night of horror that was before me. "Sit down over there". She pointed to a seat in front of the desk, which just so happened to also be in front of all the other people wanting to enter the country. About 15 minutes came a blond woman out of a room to the left and asked me to come with her. Without explanation I was put in a kind of "cell" with security guards to make sure that I didn't run away. Without explanation again, she left me there. So I cried a little bit, which the guards didn't seem to mind, I bet they were used to it. To make a long story short. I got sent back to Berlin at 6 the next morning and Jonny had to go back home. I had 1 hour sleep. It wasn't pretty.

2006: (yesterday to be exact) I got up at 3 am. Took a shower and left in plenty of time to catch my bus at 4:20 that would get me to the airport on time. When I got there though, they were only letting people on the bus that had a reservation. They hadn't said anything about that on the website. I went to see if the Stansted Express was running, but it was broken so I went back to catch the next bus, but they wouldn't let anyone on. So I legged it back to the Stansted Express, which should have still gotten me in just on time. On arrival, however, I saw that the train took 10 minutes longer than it was supposed to. Those 10 minutes were crucial and I missed my plane. Well actually, it was still there, but I missed check in by about 8 minutes and they wouldn't let me. So, I had a little cry and paid 40 pounds (a weeks salary for me) to fly to Berlin 12 hours later. Very little sleep 15 hours later I landed in Berlin. So here I am, loving it back here. Bring on the holidays!

Final score: Stansted 2 Sarah 0. Some day I'll pay it back. Some day.

A show, A love and a relationship

2006-03-31T13:35:00.000-08:00

I love My Name is Earl. I haven't seen it in a little while. But seeing it again today reminded me of why I love it. Almost cried, I laughed and it made me think of my relationship with God. Good stuff.

A friend, A conversation and An extra note

2006-03-31T10:34:00.000-08:00

I made a new friend the other night. Her name is Janet and this is the story. It was 11:30 at night, I had just got back from jogging (yes jogging) with Ben and remembered that one of my kids from work needed the money that I promised them for some kind of sponsorship or other. Anyways, I decided that I needed to go to the Elephant to get the money. This includes walking through the underground subways to cross the road. There is always someone sitting there, always asking for some change, always with a nice "God bless you" when you politely say no. But this time it was different. In stead of the usual, "spare some change", I heard a slightly tipsy "spare any change, it's my birthday today". I said my usual "sorry love" and I got my usual "God bless" in return. It wouldn't let me go though. I had to walk past her again on the way home, and stopped to apologise for not being able to get her anything, as the shops were closed. She looked genuinely surprised. We began talking, I heard more about her, I talked to her about my life and ended up spending half an hour in the subway, making a new friend. Sometime this week I will walk off to try and find her again as promised.
On another note, spring is nice, my flat is clean and I have a real big headache.

An Archbishop, A trip and A blessing

2006-03-23T15:46:00.000-08:00

A good way to start a blog, I think, is putting it into context; so here is my context right now. I'm at home, in bed (I love wireless internet) and it is 23:48. I have just gotten home from work, I am feeling a bit ill and I am listening to Topol tell me about the little town of Anatevka and their traditions (that's not why I am feeling a little ill though).
So, I think that I may have mentioned that I was going to meet the Archbishop of Cantebury (if I didn't, I went last week Tuesday). I think that there were about 75 people there, all over at his for a service and finger food afterwords. The fact that there was only finger food was quite a shock as we went thinking that there would be more food and I hadn't eaten all day. I was also quite surprised that it was a full blown service complete with the sitting down and the standing up and the saying of things after certain things. It would have been pretty confusing but it was all written out on the order of service so we all of us knew what was happening. I was, (should this have been as surprising as it was) quite inspired by what he had to say about love. With his voice as deep and rich as Christopher Lee and a practiced, beautiful style, he talked about the calling of the church to love and our attitudes towards each other. He spoke of the "terrifying, white hot presence" of God's love that can "frighten us with its intensity and integrity". Hm. Honestly, how often do I feel that about God's love? I'm seeking it now. I want to see it like that. Not only like that, but I want to see that side of it. He challenged us to look at each other (ie other churches) not looking for failings but for reflections of God. I thought to myself "how would that change my life if I did that everyone?" I should be but I rarely do. I am now striving to do that too. I think that I am finally begining to realise that I can love people and see people as God does. We'll see how this goes.
On other notes, I am going "home" tomorrow night until Sunday night. I'm hoping to have a great time there. I am currently struggling with a lack of sence of belonging and home. I don't know where my roots are, where my home is and I think that moving here to London has been a bit more of a culture shock than I have wanted to admit. We'll see how this goes as well.
This post certainly is long enough and as I am currently listening to the wonderful Fiddler of the Roof, I will leave you with a blessing from it
"Heaven bless you ... , to your health and may we live together in peace! May you ... be favored with the future of your choice [or happiness in what God chose for you], May you live to see a thousand reasons to rejoice!

A tree, A phone and A colour

2006-03-16T02:23:00.000-08:00

Well, there have been some changes on the home front. First of all, and probably most exciting...
I came home on Tuesday to drop some stuff off before carrying on to work, and there, outside my house were two men. They were definately workers from some building company or something like that but I couldn't tell from the distance that I was still at. As I drew closer to my home, I saw two magnificent objects rising from the ground. What were they? They hadn't been there previously there, they seemed to have just appeared. I didn't make the connection between them and the two men until a few seconds later when I realised that the objects were trees and the men their planters! Trees? On our street? Wow!!!!!! A huge smile spread across my face and I must have radiated thanks onto those men, because they blushed at my joy but smiled. So, that is the first new thing. Trees on Princess Street. Baby trees for me to take care of. I can feel fresh air in my lungs already!
The second new thing is that I have a new mobile. It is beautiful. That is all I have to say about that.
The third new thing is that I have dyed my hair yet again. I think that it will fall out next time. It is now pretty blong, which was a shock as it was supposed to be a fairly dark brown. Hmm, still not sure what I think about it, but no one has hurled major abuse at me yet. We'll still see.

A laugh, A list and A (book) log

2006-03-10T07:10:00.000-08:00

Hee Hee. Ah it is good to be able to laugh at yourself. Don't get me wrong, I still stand behind everything that I wrote yesterday, but I do apologise for the fact that most of it is incoherent. It was really late. Anyways, here are a few things I love:
1. The Killers. I dunno why but I really really do.
2. Praying for people over msn. How cool is that.
3. Going out with Jess for a girly night.
4. Apples with toffee sauce. Kind of negates the healthyness but is still really good.
5. Beyonce's song Check up on it. Embarrasing but I love it.
6. Having the kids that I work with come over and visit. Two of them popped by today and we ate ice cream and had a laugh. I can't begin to say how much I love that.
7. The hour before going out. I love the "what-am-I-going-to-wear-is-my-makeup-ok" hour
8. Getting visits. One of my best friends is coming in a week. Wohoo!!!!
9. Not being able to go to sleep because you want to know what is going to happen in the book you are reading. That's what kept me up till 3 this morning. Tony Parsons "man and boy".

On that note of the book, here are a few questions that have come out of reading it. Why do men have such a difficulty with growing old and losing their youth? I would be horrified if I lost my young-at-heartness but still... going out and buying a race car? How many young people can really afford that anyways? Is having a one night stand forgivable? What would I do if I found out my husband had cheated? Is going off and starting something with a married man the same thing? Is ruining one marriage justifiable, especially if you hate your husband for what he has done? Surely the man that you are with is just doing the same thing? Anyways, those are the questions that I have come up with so far. Feel free to answer. It is a good read. I would recommend it. In fact, I just opened it up to find a phrase to quote and there were so many to pick from that I couldn't be bothered. So read it yourself.

Honesty, people and being me

2006-03-09T15:58:00.000-08:00

How often have you wished you could be honest? How often are we really honest? I'm rarely honest. There are maybe two or three people I can be really honest with, but I have yet to come across any one else. People seem to not know how to take honesty. They always try to push their own opinions onto you, so quick to point out your short comings or show you how to fix it. I am guilty of that all the time. I am really trying to be able to be someone who can just listen and not try to fix. That drives me crazy. I want to be someone people can sound off to, or someone people can pull a Job with and just sit for hours with nothing to say. I want to be a real comfort and not some crap Superman who thinks that they can solve everything.
So often people manage just to make you feel worse. I did that once to one of my best friends. We were discussing things that we struggled with spiritually and every time she mentioned something she would struggle with I would say "Oh I don't have a problem with that" or "Oh yeah I had that problem ages ago" Why is it that people are completely incapable of admiting their short comings? Why can't we admit to not knowing the answers? Why do I feel horrible when I make a mistake, when I don't know, when someone knows better? There is such a pressure on people to be the best that they can be. But what does that mean? I don't know. I want to give up feeling guilty when I don't know, when I screw up, when I act my age, when I don't think of deep things, when I have nothing to say on a subject, when I am perfectly normal and predictable. From here on in, I want to try to be honest. Maybe just for a little while. I wonder what will happen?

A summary of my day, a summary of my flat and a subsequent cry for help

2006-03-06T15:45:00.000-08:00

So, it is now ridiculously late and I have managed to do very little today. I did a bit of work, read a bit for uni, played some Sims 2 (I got a raise again in that, well done me!) and then finished yet another book, or better read a book through, from my childhood. I also talked to friends on the phone who called me cause they felt bored. That always makes me feel loved.
Ben and Vicky have left for training for a week so I have the flat to myself. Today I have loved it, just having some quite and some peace and time for myself. Loverly. I know that come Friday, though, I will be glad to have them back. I hope so at least. :)
My current project is trying to make my flat look nice. Not that it isn't nice, it is freshly renovated, but that is just it. All the rooms are the same colour, we have the same carpet through out, there is nothing really to break the sameness of the blue carpet and the beige walls (which get dirty really fast by the way...) However, I am restricted with what I am allowed to do. Apparently I am not allowed to paint, not allowed to hang or otherwise put things on the walls. It was suggested that I hang posters or calendars of bands or lay down a rug. However, being over the age of 15, I am looknig for something a bit more mature than that (nothing against posters though if you happen to have some in your room)
I have spent some time on ebay today, looking for interessting frames. I think I am going to have to hang things on the walls eventually but I will have to present a good case to have it approved. I just want to be able to feel at home where I live, and right now I feel like I am just passing through and not staying for a few years like I really am. Maybe I am being unreasonable and I should just be grateful with what I have (which I am, please don't get me wrong) but there is only so much one can take of beige walls and blue carpets. Believe me. So, if anyone has any decorating ideas that don't involve painting, hanging, or generally damaging the walls, please post them here and I will be forever grateful. I guess this is kind of a "Pimp my flat" (with restrictions) kind of call.
Oh, and I think that my flat is so messy cause my flat mates and I want to break the monotony. :)
p.s. the flat really isn't that bad, but it does need something to fill it. :)

A question (at the end), a description and a nymph

2006-02-16T10:17:00.000-08:00

Spring seems to come earlier here in London than anywhere else. It is hardly February and yet the change of season can be felt in the air. It is barely visible, a not-quite-yet tangible reality. I feel as though if I took the time to just stand a watch a tree, I could see it coming to life, stretching its limbs, slowly awakening to a new year. Bushes, nomal and bland to the impartial observer, at closer examination reveal a world of green mist, slowly filling in the gaps between the once again wick branches. Rain has returned to London, bringing with it the much needed source of life for the beautiful shoots of flowers sprouting out of every available patch of green.

Spring brings surprises around every corner, especially in a new city. In Leipzig, I knew exactly when it would begin to show its face. The face of a playful little girl, ready to play, awakening the old grandparents, reminding them of their childhood. The crocuses, taking in more territory every year, suddenly appearing as though God had snapped his fingers and there they were, a beautiful carpet of purple, blue, white and yellow, weaving together in some divine pattern. I saw some today for the first time in London, resplendent in white-purple glory. There were only 5, seen through a fence, a glimpse of God’s artistry, perfect and serene.

Why is it that Spring always makes me feel so alive? The sun, not quite warm, but shining out pure anticipation for the days when it is allowed to shine in its full brilliance. Walking down the street today I could feel myself almost turning into the fabled nymphs of the forest, celebrating the beauty that God has put on the earth, just for me. I managed to suppress the very real urge to dance and prance and leap for joy, although I did spontaneously burst into song occasionally. Ah, I love Spring.

p.s Does Spring turn any one else into a ridiculous poetic?

A Summary, a List and a Promise

2006-02-09T16:07:00.000-08:00

I was away for the weekend. It was a long overdue leave of London and out into the green (albeit a very fake feeling green) I had been looking forward to going to Center Parcs since before Christmas and was so excited that I couldn't sleep until 2 in the morning. It was refreshing to know that I could still get that excited.

It was a great weekend, basically put. I was really blessed and learned loads. We also grew closeer together as a group and had a great time learning about each other.

Funny/odd things that happened:
1. Emma managed to spill wine (all from the same bottle) about 8 times. All over Splem's shirt.
2. After being handed Gemma's bathing stuff (which was in a plastic bag) in case she accidentally threw it away while taking out the garbage (my suggestion) I managed to throw it away.
3. Hi fives. They are funny, trust me.
4. Making friends with Stuart and Stuart. They both work at the boat house/mini golf house, they both worked together in Spain and they live together now. Possibly the coolest people at Center Parcs.
5. Emma almost falling into the lake after being rammed by the peddle boat.
6. Mike asking for a towel, Telf throwing him Splem's, which says "arse" and "face" on it, and it subsequently being held up and shown to all 400 people attending the conference.
7. All of the video's that were taken, I just make myself laugh...

Things I learned:
1. Don't leave anything liquid near Emma unless it is to help her practice cleaning it up
2. Don't come too close to Emma on a slide (she did some damage to someone)
3. Don't wake up early with Gemma unless you know she is a morning person
4. Gemma likes hugs
5. Anything is funny if you are tired enough
6. Telf is a youth worker through and through
7. Youth Workers away are every bit as geeky as doctors when it comes to jokes etc.

(If my compadres from the weekend want to add anything to these lists, leave comments, for a better, more lengthy, understandable summary, see Splem's blog www.daveleeman.blogspot.com)

I have another weekend away ahead of me. I'm teaching at a youth weekend. I think that it will be good. I'm just ill and feeling unprepared, although I am. I don't think that I will do two weekends away tight after each other again. Well, I'm off to bed and then a little lie in tomorrow. Pictures of both weekends with follow.

A problem crossing the road, a trip on the tube and a movie

2006-01-27T16:02:00.000-08:00

So, I'll start backwards. I saw Memoires of a Geisha today. It was good. Not quite as brilliant as I had hoped. You could tell it was done by an American, but it was still really good.
Now, on the tube, I saw a guy with the most amazing hair. Either he had taken a brush/carpet and glued it to his head or he just had really unique hair. Instead of knocking that though, he gets exta respect points from me for just having really unique hair cut in the army way. Lovely.
Now for crossing the road. I was on my was to the tube station, crossing the road just seconds from my appartment, as one does. I was hurrying because I had decided to start crossing just went the light went from green to absent. Suddenly, I stopped dead in the road and stared into the headlights of the car waiting for me to get out of the way. Then, I turned on my heel and hightailed it back to my flat. I just know that everyone in that car was wondering what had happened to the girl in the street, why she bolted like a deer being hunted. But here is the reason (and drumrole please...) it..... was...... SNOWING!!!!!!!!!!!!! IN LONDON!!!!!!!!!!! IN CENTRAL LONDON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was so happy that I ran home, rang the door, told Vicky, gave her a kiss after she came down to see, and then skipped off to go to the movies. No one else seemed to care except for one asian guy who actually (I assume he thought he was alone) danced. :) I was happy about that. But as for the rest of the party-poopers here in London, I'm sure they thought I was insane as I sat and waited for my friend to show up, occasionally laughing at the fact that it was snowing. Anyways, just wanted to let you guys know how insane I really am. IT SNOWED!!!!

A song, a suitcase, and a lack of gentlemen

2006-01-26T07:17:00.000-08:00

Alright, here is something that I have been mulling over for a while. Do you know the line in the song "Where have all the good men gone?" Now, I know that that is about finding a good man to, you know, start something with, and despite all the whinging that I do, I am actually quite happy single. But, I have been wondering for a while now where all the good men have gone. Men nowadays (and I am sorry if you are a man and reading this) seem to have lost their manliness almost. We seem to have entered the age where the gentleman has become obsolete.

What am I baseing this on? Well, many a time I have lugged a massive (obviously ridiculously heavy) suitcase around and struggled with it, especially in tube stations. Up and down stairs, sweating and coming close to swearing. Now, do you think that any man offered to help? Not once has a man offered to help me. In fact, the only help offered came from a woman when the cursed thing almost fell over in the street. The only men that I seem to be seeing recently are men who are so wrapped up in themselves and what they are doing that they don't even bother noticing a woman in distress (or struggling with a massive suitcase)

Now, this isn't to say that they aren't out there, I have met a few guys who still try to retain a bit of the good old chivalry. They seem to still appreciate that there are certain ways in which a man should behave and try to stick to it. You know, opening the door, carrying heavy things, putting coats across puddles... Why is this?

I actually think that much of it is our fault as women. I know that when I come across a man who is a realy gentleman, I get uncomfortable and don't know what to do with being treated with such respect. We women have tried so hard to become equal with men that we have forgotten that there are elements that seperate us from the other sex. I actually feel sorry for men, so much is expected of them: be strong, be manly, be kind, be understanding, be a gentleman, don't patronize and the list just goes on, we expect them to be everything and yet don't let them be "men". We have tried so hard to prove to men that they are not "needed", there is nothing they can do that we can't.

Dare I disagree with this? Alright, I will. I disagree. So here is a call to all men who still want to be men but don't want to offend: bring back the gentleman. It will take a while for us women to get used to it, but bring it back.

A shout out, a phone call and a bath

2006-01-17T12:01:00.001-08:00

Here is the shout out: hey Uncle Rob, I have heard that you read this and I just thought I would say hello and send my love your way. I'm on the phone right now to mom. I'm sure she would say hi too.
I'm off to the bath, blessings to all of you

An argument, a discussion and a question

2006-01-11T02:34:00.000-08:00

Got into a kind of argument with my flat mate. After walking around in a state of nother-pole like atmosphere in my flat, we had a shout out and then a talk out and then a hug and things have been thawing ever since. That same night, I heard a suspicious "creak" coming from the kitchen and I knew that Ben was raiding the fridge. I got up to get a drink cause I was ridiculously thirsty. Thus begins the discussion part of this blog.

I believe I got up at 12:15 or something there abouts. We got onto the subject of love and evangelism. I had had a great conversation with three guys in Nando's about God and Jesus and religion and that is how we came onto it. At about 1:30 we decided, although we could have gone on for ages, that we needed to go to bed and I stumbled up my ladder and fell to sleep right away.

Now comes the question part, and I don't even know how to put this properly, but I'll just waffle it out and hope that you get it: Is it right that we as christians want people to come to Christ? I have heard so much talk about hidden agendas, etc. But surely, we love people because Christ loves us and we love him. We want to help these people, restore wholeness to them, but surely, and ultimately, only when people enter into a relationship with Christ can they be made perfectly whole. Is that right or have I got it all wrong?

A piercing, a job, and an addiction

2006-01-04T07:34:00.000-08:00

So, first things first, I've gotten my lip pierced. I've now spent the days since wondering what pocessed me to get it done (not that I'm regretting it, I'm just wondering what on earth gave me the balls to go through with it) and am now living in fear of infection (although I am following the instructions like a good girl), we'll see how that goes.
Started work again for real yesterday, that was nice. Today I am digging in for real. I really want to get around and visit the parents soon. I also have an essay to write. I am trying to get it done, but I'm just really not motivated to do it.
Alright, now to the addiction. I have to admit to something rather embarrassing. Maybe being alone in my flat isn't really good for me. Watching tv yesterday, I stumbled across one of those house shopping shows. Now, these abound in England, people ask to have a house scout look for 3 different houses within their price range and with the things they want it to have. Then in the end they decide whether they want to make a bid on either. When I first came to this country and encountered (what I thought was) the unhealthy surplus of such shows, I was very surprised and couldn't see the lure. However, maybe it is cabin fever, but I watched all of them possible tomorrow during work, and promptly became a massive fan. Not surprisingly this morning, when I turned on the tv and the shows weren't on, I was upset, to say the least. I sadly began some work, bemoaning the fact that I don't have a tv guide to tell me when my newly beloved shows were coming on. I sat and had to watch news, a Woody Allen interview, and other stuff that I used only for noise. Then, joy after all joy, it came on, the one where they move you to the country, and a sigh (an acutal audible sigh) of relief escaped me and I could begin to relax. I wish I could not like these shows, but I find my heart beating faster when it comes to the decision time and my hoping that the family finds their dream house. Sad, isn't it? Please sign me up to the Reality-TV-House-Selling-Show-Addicts-Annonymus.

Christmas parties, Snowball fights and challenging days

2005-12-27T13:12:00.000-08:00

It's 22:07 and I am sitting at mz brother's computer, waiting for my dad to come pick my brothers and I up. I am so tired, am still sick and really just want to go home. Tomorrow is the dreaded meeting and I am not to sure what to expect. I guess, honestly, only God knows.
My Christmas was great. Typical Bowles Family madness but lacking the person who brings the most maddness, my older brother Matt. He had to stay here in Leipzig and couldn't join. That makes this Christmas the first Christmas we weren't all together. It wasn't as horrible as I thought it would be though it was obvious that something was missing.
Yesterday we drove the six hours down here and then did Christmas with Matt and Lisa. That was really nice and a really big laugh. Not only that but (drum roll please) IT SNOWED!!! Beautifully formed massive wet-snow flakes filled the air and made my Christmas picture perfect. There was a little snow ball fight on the way home from the restaurant and I went crazy with happiness. I missed snow so much.
Today Lisa and I went on a really unsuccessful trip to buy some pants (trousers for you Brits) and, having looked in vain for what felt like ages, we returned to their flat where Lisa decided it was easier if she just gave me a pair of her pants. So, a waste of time but I got to see some of good old Leipzig again.
The rest of the plan is as follows: tomorrow Berlin and then helping mom in the kitchen for the New Year's retreat. Fly home very early in the morning of the 31st. I hope my bag isn't overweight.

Carolling, a flight and a hair cut

2005-12-23T12:04:00.000-08:00

Here I am in good old Germany, glad to be back and realxing at my parents home. I'm so tired and have had a long day, but I thought that I would write something quick before bed.
Carolling yesterday and the day before was great fun, no real big highlights or anything, just basically laugh after laugh. If I hear Starry Night one more time I think that I will go insane.
I didn't have to wake up as early as I thought I did and everything went pretty smoothly. I got to Duesseldorf and then got the train with my mommy to Cologne. We brought my stuff home, then went to the Christmas markets. I got my hair cut (not at the market, at the hairdressers) and then we came home to eat some yummy lasagne. I'm still pretty sick so I'm gonna go to bed as soon as my brothers are sleeping. I'm sleeping in their room.
Good night all.

Christmas Carolling 1 and 2

2005-12-20T12:27:00.000-08:00

I was going to write yesterday and keep it kind of as a four day thing, but I was so tired (and you will soon understand why) that I couldn't be bothered so I will summarize day 1 and 2 together.
So, yesterday was the first day of carolling and collecting on Oxford Street. For those of you who have never heard of Oxford Street, it is apparently the busiest street in England. So it's busy. About 7 of us are there for 8 hours a day collecting to keep our lovely church alive.
Yesterday started well, clear blue skies, warm and good spirits all around. I won't say much about the day except that it was hard. I was freezing by the time we had break despite my 4 layers of clothes and my back and knees were killing me. I have often noticed how out of shape I am but standing 8 hours brought that realisation back in the form of aching back, knees and a massive headache. The best thing was telling Vicky that I had seen McFly and her believing me and almost crying.
Today wasn't much better. Vicky woke up in a mood which was not a huge motivation and Ben wasn't here to compensate. So off we went to Oxford Street, Vicky moaning and my making bumbling attempts to cheer her up. Things were ok from then on, colder than the day before. Highlights were the great things some people had to say about us as an Army, we don't hear that a lot. Vicky and Ben saw Sienna Miller. Funny thing: Ben (with Jonny's encouragement) told Vicky that he had seen Jordan. I played along and Vicky spent a good part of the day looking out for her. Jonny talked to some famous news man, and I had my picture taken with some guy. So, I'm in bed now, listening to Damien, trying to decide whether to sleep (its 8:40) or to watch Ben play Diablo 2 (wohoo!!!!! the game finally arrived!!!!!)
Love to all and I hope to get some pictures up here soon.

Nando's, Mullets and Tomatoes

2005-12-20T12:12:00.000-08:00

It's been a while since I last wrote (at least by my standards) and there loads to talk about, but I'm sure I'll forget something. Oh well.
The last week has been manic. I had a great few days at school (or college or uni or whatever it is) where it was basically laughing and mucking about. Thursday a bunch of us went out for a drink after, which was fun, and then Sarah, Gemma, Huw and I went to Nando's. For those of you who have yet to be introduced to the beauty of Nando's, it is (at least the one on South Bank) is a restaurant in a gorgeous building, selling edible portions of perfectly (or usually perfectly) grilled chicken at the prices of a McDonald's meal. Needless to say, I love eating at this one in particular.
Anyways, Huw is a friend of Sarah's that I met on Thursday. He is a genuinely great guy with, as far as I have been able to tell, one oddity: mullets scare him. Hmm. Our waiter had a mullet so the evening passed with Huw making gaging noises after this poor man (Felix) left our table. Apparently there is a whole mullet world out there that I have previously lived unawares to. I am now looking forward to Huw sending me the websites about them as promised. My favourite moment of that day was Huw describing the ethos behind mullets: all business at the front, but it's all about the party at the back (said, of course, with utmost disgust). So needless to say, that was a great night.
Friday and Saturday were spent getting ready for our pantomime with the kids on Sunday. Now this was written by Ben and Simba and I was in charge of costumes. I thought that it was going to be the worst thing that I have ever seen, which would not have helpt the quest to win over the confidence of the parents. But after making the halos ten minutes before church started, and changing the actors five minutes before church started (our Mary didn't show) things went great. The service was very different from any carol service I'd ever been to, but I loved it.
Oh and the tomatoes previously writen about... they are finally dead at the age of 2 months (I think). They still look good but have now begun leaking a green liquid. About time is all I have to say.

2005-12-05T13:44:00.000-08:00

Alright, this rant actually has nothing to do with Christmas, but with sleeping bags. Do let me know if you feel the same. I've had my fair share of exposure to the stupid things in the last two weeks. My mommy was here and then Lisa was here so I, being a good hostess, slept in a sleeping bag (Ben's cause I left mine in Germany) Now, I do twist and turn when I sleep. I kind of have a pattern to it. The stupid thing then twists all around me and wakes me up by making me feel stuck and kind of suffocated. One night I woke up and the head bit that is supposed to be on the bottom was on top of my face. As warm and cozy as they may be, they are a ridiculous nuisance to someone who squigles around like me, and I think that someone should take the task onto themselves to invent something more practical for those of us who only exercise during their sleep. So I guess this is a bit of an appeal. Put on your thinking cap and start inventing. Oh and Merry Christmas.

New look, same me

2005-12-05T10:36:00.000-08:00

Alright, it's kind of pink, I know. A bit girly I know, which isn't really like me, but oh well. This is the first time I've ever done html or anything. I know it was simple, but I'm really pleased with myself. take care...

The magic Tomatoes

2005-12-02T09:56:00.000-08:00

Allow me to introduce you to the phenomenon of the kitchen in the First Floor Flat, Elephant and Castle, London, England.
Come back with me a few weeks (5 to be exact) Ben and I are on a mission to get some food for us to live off of for the week. We have discussed it and decide that we need some healthier food than what we have been eating to date. So, while gazing through the aisles, I decide to get some tomatoes and mozarrella to show Ben what we eat in Germany sometimes. We get them (and lots of other food products that I won't go into here now) and then went home.
Well, to make what could be a boring long story short, we came home with the good intent of making the tomatoes and mozarrella, but didn't. The mozarrella was eventually consumed by, um I can't remember, but the tomatoes remained.
They remain there to this day. After about two weeks, Ben and I noticed that our tomatoes were still looking very healthy for their ripe old age. We have made the decision to keep them in until they show signs of their age. Right now, it seems as though they will live forever.
Worrying, though, how many chemicals must have been sprayed on these Tesco Tomatoes. I think I will start buying my fruit and veg (the little that I do eat) at Borough Market.
I'll keep you updated on the magical tomatoes. Life count: 5 weeks and counting

A faulty light

2005-11-30T14:39:00.000-08:00

(just a warning, this post has been written in a time of high emotional stress)
Once, ages ago, someone gave me the verses in Matthew 5:14-16, saying that they were verses meant for me. I guess at the time it made sense. Sitting in bus today, driving past these Christmas lights in a tree got me thinking. They were blinking on and off, making the tree look like it was full of fairies flying around. It made me think of those verses though, and illustrated exactly how I feel and see my faith at the moment. I am such an on and off Christian. I am such a faulty light that I don't know how God puts up with it. I'm like a light connected to a faulty wire, or a candle that keeps burning out that constantly has to be relit.
I know that God uses people who are weak so that He can be strong, I know that His perfection is shown through our imperfection... I know all of it but I just can't see it for me. I want so much to be the best I can be, I want to do things out of my own strength. I am so full of pride, I find it impossible to be dependant on others. I refuse to accept help when offered and most certainly won't burden others with my problems.
God uses broken people. That's good for me because right now I feel like I'm on the edge. Someone said today that they feel like they are either always falling into or are already in a huge black whole and all I could think was, "I'm right in there with you". I guess the question is, am I ready to be pulled out? I guess the question could also be "am I ready to have my connection fixed?"

Do we want mega church?

2005-11-29T04:00:00.000-08:00

Alright, someone is going to have to explain this to me. What is a mega church? I walk past this sign a couple times a week in Peckham and every time either Ben and I, actually usually the both of us, wonder out loud what makes a "Mega Church". Is it the size of the building? I doubt, the building it's in isn't particularly huge, nor does any other feature on it seem to be deserving of the title "mega". I don't know if the people are especially great, or big for that matter. In fact, I've never seen anybody go in or out of "The mega church". I can't think of any other feature that this church might have that others haven't, that warrents the title "mega", but maybe I'm missing something.
However, this sign makes me think everytime I pass it. Have things become so dire for the church, that we have to market ourselves, trying to outdo the others down the road? My mom challenged me this weekend on the thought of Kingdom. I love it, but how can it be lived out if churches feel the need to sell themselves like the newest mobile phone? I'm certain that God never wanted us to get to the point where churches are given ranks "I go to a great church." "So? I go to a mega church!" That just doesn't seem like the way forward to me.
Whatever happened to one body etc.? One thing that I never want to happen to me is for me to love my church, it's building, the institution, more than I love Jesus and his vision for church. Church could be such a beautiful thing, it has so much potential, but we have deformed it and turned it into a competition. That's just gross.

A nice day

2005-11-28T21:42:00.000-08:00

Mom woke me up at 5 with a kiss goodbye and then she left. I slept for ages, had a team meeting and then took a bath. We had done loads of things on the weekend (I will write about that later) but the best was the Christmas shopping.
Now, here is where my day turned interesting. I needed to get some molasses for the cookies. So, as any normal person would assume, I walked to our neighbourhood Tesco's to get some, thinking that it would be easy to find something so normal. But, seemingly, molasses isn't so normal in the Elephant and Castle Tesco's. So, thinking that it just doesn't exist in this country, I made my through the Elephant and Castle market of illegal goods, and back home. Arriving at home, it turned out that it's not called molasses here, but treacle. So I left again, hope growing, thinking that I would find it at last. But I didn't. Being hardcore though, oh yes I am, I decided to walk looking for it. I walked and walked, beginning to feel desperate and a little teary. But then, looming out between the buildings, I caught a glimpse of something beautiful A Tesco's, not a little piddly one like in Elephant and Castle, but a huge one, a Taj Mahal of Tesco's. Filled with elation, trying not to break into a run lest this oasis would disappear, I walked through it's not quite so pearly gates.
I found everything I needed, and floated home. Once I got here, I baked up a storm, some for us here, some for school on Wednesday. Then, enjoying the beautiful silence, took the first minutes that I have since the weekend to be completely on my own. I'm now lying on my floor in my favourite place, watching Jerry Maguire (you know the "you complete me" and the "you had me at hello" movie) and licking out the pot from the truffles. Ah, beautiful.
Well, that's all from this front. Trying to relax and trying to block out workish stuff.

troubles on the home front

2005-11-25T23:12:00.000-08:00

things are going a bit pearshaped it seems at work right now. feel free to pray. im at a bit of a loss.

Effective youth work?

2005-11-21T23:55:00.000-08:00

Is that what I'm supposed to be doing? If so, I today I feel like I've completely missed the mark. Albeit, I've only been here barely 2 months, still in the relationship-building, needs-sussing faze. Still, I feel like I've got my hands in so many things and I can't do any of it properly. There is so much that I would like to, but no time to do it.

I don't have time to just go hang out with some kids in the neighbourhood and get to know them on their terms. There is no time for the things that I think would be really good. Programmes are not what make effective youth work. But what if that is all you have time to do? I think that I am doing something wrong.

It's so frustrating, barely seeing our youth once a week properly, and then in a poorly-organized, thrown together time. It's sickening how crap some of it is. Alright, it's just starting up, I'm supposed to be empowering etc. but I'm finding that really hard right now. That is probably why I've been feeling sick and out of place recently. I've wanted on a couple of occasions just pack up and go back to Berlin, where I know what I am doing, people know what I am capable of and respect me for it.

I'm finding it really hard to work under the constant pressure of trying to prove myself to my team, my boss, the parents and the kids. Is this what youth work in a church setting is always like? I hope that it is just birthing pains or something of the kind. I really hope that it is something that gets better with time. I need to get some sleep sometime. :)

I'm not asking for advice really. I never could take that well. I think that this is something that I need to think about and try to solve myself.

1:30 am

2005-11-19T01:55:00.000-08:00

alright, here it is, one thirty am in the morning. i got back about an hour ago from prayer, which was really good and havent been able to sleep. that is probably my own fault, i brought the laptop to bed.

do you know that feeling of unsettlement? the one that makes you want to throw something against a wall for no reason, or throw-up out of sheer frustration, or cry although you know you can't, or scream although you know you won't. the darned knots in your belly that just won't go away? the one that is not helped by listening to music that seems to be saying exactly what i want to say to someone, but can't because that someone doesn't exist. there are some things that no one really wants to hear.

did you ever want to be someone else? i always wanted to be anne shirley from anne of green gables. hm. right now i feel like the girl from the song "so beautiful" from dashboard confessional. "your smile is in place so that everyone watching can see".

the world looked so beautiful tonight, in a sad, distant kind of way. it wasn't the kind of beauty you could be a part of, no matter how hard you tried. it has finally become cold enough to have a delicate frost, the kind that announces winter with a whisper. it felt like if you touched a part of it, it would disappear. i celebrated this beginning of winter by twirling on the sidewalk and almost hitting a passer-by, much to ben's horror. im so afraid of my soul aging that i do anything to keep it young. physically i don't mind growing old, but if i were to realise that my soul were old... often i do this at the most public of times, much to the embarrasment of whoever is with me (sorry if that happened to be you...)

God is so easy to find outside. does anyone else feel like he made sunsets just for them? or snow? or autumn? i can't help but celebrate and rejoice (for lack of a better word) at the beauty that i find everywhere, even in the concrete world that is elephant and castle. maybe the unsettled feeling comes from wanting to be a part of that beauty. i wish i were something more than i am.
ah well. it's almost 2 now, so i'm going to go to bed.

Ghost of a good thing

2005-11-18T05:50:00.000-08:00

I hate the few minutes before falling asleep, and yet I love them as well. Those few minutes where real life and the beautiful world of dreams mingle with each other, like mist over a lake, close but not quite touching. I love that time, but it is the time just right after that, that I hate.

I am more often than not, just while I am beginning to enter the dream world myself, brought up short (kind of like when I jumped into Grandma's sliding glass door when I was 12).
Last night this happened, so close to sleep, I suddenly was wide awake with a thought on God, Jesus and suffering. It wasn't, as far as I can remember, a ground-shaking thought, but it was one that I thought was pretty good. However, being silly and lazy and really wanting to sleep, I didn't get out of bed to write it down. Now it's gone. That's why I hate those times. It happens to me all the time that I think of something (to my mind) really smart, or important, or insightful and then I think "I should write that down" but I don't and then I'll spend the rest of the morning trying to remember what a great thought I had had in the night.

Ah well, just another one of life's frustrations. I'll have to add it to the list.

The new laptops

2005-11-11T08:18:00.000-08:00

Today was pretty uneventful. I had a good mentoring session with Catherine at 10. then i came home and had a pretty good team meeting. there are some frustrations but we'll see what comes out of that. we now have had new laptops delivered and the great news is: they're wireless!!! so, I am sitting in the living room now, watching tarzan on tv and typing in here. There isn't really much to write about. mom is coming to visit me soon, that will be really cool. I've been a bit homesick cause it's christmas time and i always get homesick around Christmas and I've been making my Christmas shopping list. I will have to start saving as of next week.
other than that, I am starting to get used to being single again. its been alright so far. we'll see how that goes too.
well, that's about all today...

An Amazing day

2005-11-07T12:52:00.000-08:00

so, i woke up today in a pretty good mood. had a good and challenging meeting with jonny in the morning, mad team meeting after that (how 6 people in a room can create such maddness i dont know) and then went upstairs to do some work. jonny asked me to write his feedback thing (having only known him in a face to face sense for about maybe 4 weeks now, this wasnt the easiest thing to do. i think he came out sounding like the godfather of all church leaders or something) but anyways, then i went to lunch with darren, who is a great guy and who doesnt mind talking to me about things which is nice.
i wanted to write to essays today but didnt get around to it because of the following reasons:
1. I had to go with my flat mates to buy some dvds and guess who.
2. I had completely forgotten about going to Southwark for Jesus meeting at Southwark town hall.
now the first thing was great enough, but it was really the second thing that knocked my socks off. being there was only what i can describe as an "acts" moment. it was amazing. to be honest, i went in thinking "wonderful, another thing to keep me from getting my essays done" which, by the way, are due wednesday. i didnt really think that much would happen, kind of thought that we would sit and listen to the churches explaining why we need to pray for Southwark to the mayor.
it wasnt like that at all. it kind of was at the begining, but it was really interesting. then, it was time for us to pray. that was when the amazing thing happened. there we were, christians from every thinkable denomination (well almost), sitting in the middle of the chambers in town hall, and what do we do? we begin to pray! many in tongues and it was just such a noise! people crying out for God to move and to change Southwark. the angels in heaven must have been shouting for joy at the sight of all of us, united in prayer and thought and deed, crying out to God! This happened a second time later on when we prayed for the schools that we have in our areas.
God was tangibly present in those chambers. it was a breath-taking, heart-quickening way to kick off what, to my mind, will be an amazing week of prayer. this borough needs God so much, and has given the churches here like mind and spirit and that is just amazing.
so, im so excited about going into the school to read tomorrow. it is notorious for its violence, but it was prayed for today and i am confident that God is going to do great things there.
sorry for the crap style of this, im just so glad that i could be part of something that has the air of being something groundbreaking here in Southwark.

Vinyl or A Track?

2005-11-04T15:53:00.000-08:00

don't you hate it when someone is always right? i don't know about you, but there is rarely something that frustrates me more. for some people, it is when someone presses the button at the traffic light again, for me, it is constantly being proven wrong. i just hate being wrong.

the most aggravating type of these people are the ones who think they know how it feels like to be you. they think that they can read you like a Dr. Seuss book, full of rhythm and rhyme and a simple story line (though slightly quirky). no real depth, or if there is it's seen in a "been there, done that" light. they always have the answer, they think that they have the assembly manual to your life and can put you back together like a not-quite-so-broken humpty dumpty.

the problem is, that though these people are often off-mark, they can surprise you with insight, pointing out things in your life that you have been carefully avoinding, using as a veil to protect the real you. these things that you have conciously put on over the years to create a better you. a less vulnerable you. a more solid you. these things that you have carefully assembled around yourself, are to these people, visible and surprisingly repulsive, which of course they are, but who wants to hear that?

i really hate it when that happens, which is often enough. i know it's wrong, but i kind of like my veil of nothings, i at least am kind of afraid of what i would be without them.

anyway, this whole massive thing comes from being told that i was either a vinyl in a false sleeve, or an a track that can only be played by an a track player. the only problem is, the person went on to say, is that a track players are few and far between. lucky me :)

this is all rubbish anyways. ive just had a frustrating, paradigm shift-like week, with no one to talk to about it (or at least thats how it feels to me) sorry for the ramble, i'll try to keep it to a minimum next time.

an event yet uneventful night

2005-10-31T22:14:00.000-08:00

so, i just spent almost 2 hours standing outside the station at elephant and castle waiting for my friend chris, whom i havent seen in i think 4-5 years to come. (note here: i havent yet got a hold of him and i hope that he is alright) i feel a little guilty about going home, but i think that 2 hours of waiting was ok. im now cold and my back hurts.

however, the night wasnt a complete waste of time: a group of teenagers tried to steal my mobile while i was talking on it. the kid who snatched it dropped it, his friend picked it up, i said "can i have it back, please" and he gave it back. i was slightly shaken, seeing as i was alone etc. but that was alright, i got it back. i did see them a second time, and just avoided them.
i also had two men try to pick me up. in the end, the one of them asked me to pray for him and the church. (his line was "hi, my name is paul, but people call me spice (slight pause) because im so hot." he got points just for being funny)

so maybe it wasnt a complete waste. i just really would have liked to see chris. i'll stay up and see if comes online soon. i really hope nothing's happened to him.

love to all. sjb

Golden Ages

2005-10-31T18:20:00.000-08:00

i got accused of being childish the other day (ok, ok, i wanted to play M.A.S.H) but it kind of got me thinking. if there is one thing im scared of, is taking myself to seriously and becoming a grown-up grown-up. i read an article in the national geographic today (mom and dad, you probably read it too) about how to grow old (or interviews of people who are a century old). the thing they all had in common was that (it seemed to me) they had not lost their sense of fun, whether it was doing what they enjoyed, loving their work, or flirting with 30 year olds. kind of like the heberlings. thats what i want. i dont want to live that long i dont think. i would be too afraid to die alone. but what i do want is to remain what i was as a child.

jonny preached on sunday on approaching faith in a childish manner. but i want to take that a step further. i hate not trusting people. i hate that i am no longer innocent. i was watching baby sam today during the meeting, loving the fact that he was completely oblivious to the arguments, the tension and the hurt that was around him. i know that i cant be like that, but is it bad that i want to be?

a few days ago, i sat down and wrote down all the things i could remember about my childhood (it didnt start out that way) but that is what it became. i couldnt write down everything as memories are like feathers brushing softly against skin, you cant ever be sure they were really there. but what i did write down was so beautiful to me, that it was hard to deal with. my great-grandpa tickling my brother and i and us pretending that it really did tickle, then going on to watch an ancient superman video (always the same one). snowball fights with matt in the backyard. eating popcorn and drinking hot chocolate with marshmallows with britney in front of the fire place, feeling all grown-up.

what bothers me, is that my memories of now will all be tainted one way or another, tainted with some emotion that just didnt seem to be present in those golden ages. i guess its ridiculous, thats just the way it is. but it makes me so sad.

oh, and some of the memories of the most? halloween ones of course! happy halloween, everybody.

Finally Folding

2005-10-31T17:48:00.000-08:00

alright alright, mom and everyone else who has been suggesting that i get a blog, im finally doing it. giving in to the pressure, joining the crowd, swimming in the same direction as the rest of the fish. its probably not a bad thing, just something else that ill start and not finish. or something that will distract me from what i should be doing. or not. we'll see.

Right now, i just finished a very interessting team meeting and am now listening to "in over my head" from the fray. thats actually how i feel loads and loads here. but its good. im sure i'll learn loads. i already have. but, back to the team meeting. we've sort of solved some problems, all of us except one. my heart is breaking for him, but i feel that there is really nothing i can do for him but pray. i need to start remembering how much power there is in prayer. you know, the whole "ask and you'll get it" thing, which very few of us seem to understand.

i hate that sense of helplessness. im not really used to it. i guess im just supposed to learn dependance on the one who is so much more of everything than i am. actually, that sense of helplessness is probably more healthy than any sense of capability i may have, as long as i let it be.

thats all for right now. probably more will follow in a few minutes